One of my biggest fears is my son growing up and being gay. Let me tell you guys one of my biggest fears. You don’t close your eyes till your brain tells your body to shut everything down. You’re not no vampire.” You’re not no vampire.” I was mad ’cause I didn’t know how to explain why I was mad. I said, “go to bed.” He said, “ah” I was so mad. Go to bed.” Swear to God, this is what he did. The other day my son, he’s suped up off candy. It might be confusing, but this is serious to me. Do it the way I saw you doing it when I told you to do it. but I want you to do it how I pictured you doing it. I want you to do what I say, but I want you to do it how I pictured you doing it. Like, I don’t like it when I tell my kids to do stuff and they do exactly what I say. I’m not gonna lie, I don’t have a lot of patience. Got to have a lot of patience to deal with these kids. I grabbed the cookies, got my ladder, put them on top of the refrigerator. Ain’t nobody getting a cookie.” I shut the whole cookie operation down. I said, “what the fuck you mean she can’t have no goddamn cookie? Why’d you buy the cookies if can’t nobody eat a cookie? That makes you stupid for buying uneatable cookies. She said, “dad, I thought you was the king of the house.” When she said that, it set me off. She knew how to get a reaction out of me. I went, “why can’t she have a cookie, Jesus? What did she do?” But here’s how smart she is. Out of nowhere all I hear is, “don’t give her no goddamn cookie!” Scared the shit out of me. Let’s go get a cookie.” I start walking towards the kitchen. She’s like, “dad, can I have a cookie?” I said, “yeah, baby. She came in the room, she hit me with the soft voice. Here’s how she got me in trouble the other day. She knows how to play me and her mom against each other. She’s at that age now though where she knows. Now my daughter, my daughter’s a different ballgame. That thing hot, daddy.” I love him to death though, man. Get your ass out of the oven before I turn it on. Then get an attitude with me when I get him out. He got an attitude ’cause he can’t get no candy. I got to wait till he’s finished then explain to people what happened. He go… It’s the most retarded thing I’ve ever seen in my life. This is what my son does when he gets mad. You know, when a baby throws a tantrum he’s supposed to fall out, cry, roll on the ground. Like, I don’t like the way my son throws his tantrums. But now I’ve realized he’s not dumb, he just does dumb shit. Now I used to talk about my son being a dumb baby. I talk about things that I know- My family, my kids. Now in this time y’all gonna hear a lot of stuff. All right, y’all got me up here for a while, all right? And this time- About an hour. Shout out to our boy LeBron in the house. Before we get started, shouts out to my man Shaq up front showing love. How you doing? How you doing, sweetie? Get it out now. Right now got- Before I even get started, shouts out to- Hey, sugar foot. Y’all ain’t supposed to have snow out here. Y’all got that slushy shit, that slipping snow. What’s up, Cleveland? How you all feeling? Everybody good? Y’all good? Everybody straight? Cold as shit out this bitch, ain’t it? I don’t like that- All this snow.
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